Not A Chance

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Today’s Daily Prompt: “You receive some wonderful, improbable, hoped-for good news. How do you celebrate?”

How do I celebrate? Wonderful news comes along and what do I do to celebrate? Wonderful news?

I’m suffering from major depression. According to DSM IV “Depressed people may be preoccupied with, or ruminate over, thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness, hopelessness, and self-hatred.”

So the hard part of this question is not thinking about celebration. The hard part of this question is imagining a world in which I get good news. I just don’t believe it. It was only a few months ago I was telling my psychiatrist that I could find no evidence that I wasn’t in a universe that God had created for the sole purpose of torturing me and causing me pain to punish me for not believing in Him.

It starts with having no hope. I don’t even have any hope that I will get better. Nothing good can possibly happen to me because that’s not the way the world works, maybe it’s because I’m broken, maybe because I’ve had a life where at the moment all I can see when I look back is bad decisions.

Then there’s the constant feeling that nobody wants to help, nobody can help, nothing can help.

How can good news intrude into that? Where is the space for it to actually be good news? At the moment if I received news that you thought was good then I’d find a way of turning it into pain or anxiety. A million dollars? I’d find a way to lose it. A better job? Probably just more stress. A long lost relative? What do they want?

So, celebration. I don’t think so. I guess I’d tell Jessica my daughter and leave it at that. Oh, I know, blow a few dollars by going out somewhere nice for dinner with her.

11 thoughts on “Not A Chance

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  5. I would ask that you re-read the prompt. I read it and went with the “improbable”. Period. What is that improbable for you? Why don’t you get, even in this fantasy prompt, to “keep” the improbable? Look at this prompt as a gift. Open it up. See what it looks like. Describe it. Go ahead and tear it apart and go ahead and destroy it. If that is what you want and if that is what makes you feel “normal”. For a brief second, all of us – including you were able to share in that instant you allowed yourself to imaging the improbable. Even for that second. Try it.

    Enjoy that second.

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  9. I’m just amazed at your ability to take the prompt and do what comes to mind for you based on it. I would feel like I was breaking the rules to talk about the other side! Usually I look at cheerful and unlikely-to-happen prompts like these and go, “Grrr…” and as you see, I don’t do them. But that’s partially because my mind is not as flexible.

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